A few weeks ago Jackson went missing. We couldn’t find him anywhere. He had wandered off. An army of us went out looking for him, and with every step I took I found myself praying, screaming out his name, and wondering if this was it. If this would be the “big one”. You know, the story that defines my life, the detour from my set path, the heartache that would either drive me to God or away from God. Because I was wrapped up in pursuit of my son, I did not track how many minutes went by from the moment we realized Jackson was missing to the moment my eyes caught a glimpse of him way off in the distance. I was told it was somewhere around 18-20 minutes.
When Joel and I found Jackson, a huge wave of relief came over me. I couldn’t even walk. I had to sit down. I needed to breathe. Adrenaline and fear, desperate pleas to God and terror, nearly sucked the life right out of me. Touching, holding, and kissing my son was surreal. And I thanked God with a shaky voice and shaky hands. Over and over and over again, gratitude and thanksgiving spilled from my lips like a waterfall. Thank you, God! You are so good!
Later, when I was quiet and alone and had time to think and recall the events of the day, I wondered “what if”. It was bound to happen. I couldn’t help but consider what would life be like if I hadn’t found Jackson? What if he had been taken by someone? What if he had been hit by a car? What if…? It isn’t healthy to sit and stew on the “what if’s”, but I think the biggest question I had that haunted me was “What if…something bad had happened…would I still believe that God is good?”
This is the question I have been pondering for several weeks now. It is easy to say “God is good” when life is good, or we get the answer to prayer we have been hoping for, or we get the primo parking spot at the mall, or the sun is shining, or right after we’ve booked tickets for vacation, or in that first sip of our favorite Starbucks indulgence. Mmmm…God is good. I wonder if my faith, my view of God, is perhaps a little out of whack. I wonder if we get a little too narcissistic? The minute one little kink in our plan arises we suddenly think the world is coming to an end. And I wonder about those individuals who have truly experienced tragedy, and somehow, someway, have been able to utter through tears and pain that “God is good”, know something about God that I don’t know yet.
For days I was unable to acknowledge God’s goodness because I doubted my ability to find him good if Jackson had not been found. I honestly wondered if I could still believe God to be good had I lost my baby boy. Then, one morning as I was reading the Word and meditating on all of these crazy thoughts I’d been having, I came across a Psalm.
Psalm 30:8-10
To you, O Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy: “What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness? Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help.”
It isn’t that God’s goodness is contingent upon circumstances. He is good regardless of which direction my life goes. I believe that my happy ending in finding Jackson when he was lost and nowhere to be found, was God’s mercy in my life. I can’t define it. I don’t deserve it. And I can’t explain it away to someone who’s pain and grief of a lost child are with them daily. For whatever reason, only known to God, he extended mercy to me, to my family, on that day. In the grand scheme of our story, there would be no gain from this devastation. That doesn’t mean that difficulties will never come my way, or that I am somehow excluded from the harshness of life, but this was not it. This would not be my “big one”…my one defining moment.
God had mercy.
One of the many things that I love about Psalms is that there is always an upward focus. Regardless of circumstances, the writer looks to God, places complete trust in God and gives all praise and thanksgiving to God. Our hope, no matter what we may be going through, is that God’s goodness will see us through anything and everything that this sinful world throws our way.
The final verses of Psalm 30 says this:
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.
In plenty and in want, there is hope and assurance that God will take our wailing and turn it into a beautiful dance, a garment of joy and unending songs of his goodness, graciousness, mercy, and love.
Yes, God really is good. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way, but he is. He sees our pain, our challenges, our joys, and sorrows, and through them all, he is good.
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I have pondered this myself so many times. I wonder how I would handle tragedy in my life, like a death of my spouse or child. I’ve had many conversations with God, telling Him that if I ever had to travel that path, I just might lose it, and honestly, I think I would. It is selfish of me to say that, but sometimes I think that my faith in God would be shattered, yet deep down, I know that He really is good. I know that He would never give me something I couldn’t handle, but again, I’ve told God that THAT is something I could not handle. Yet, I look at people who have made it through those circumstances, and they come out with an amazing story of God’s mercy and grace. Thanks for this post, Amy. I love your heart.
I’m so glad to know that I am not the only one who fears that “one big thing” in life that defines my faith. I worry often times that because I DO have faith in God and I DO trust Him and try my best to praise him in the good times and bad, that because of those things He will send some unbearable tragedy my way to really test my faith or worse yet, to make an example of me to others of how to have faith amidst a trial. I am so glad you found Jackson safe and sound. I have lost sight of Emersyn for a maximum of 60 seconds once and nearly had a nervous breakdown, I can’t even imagine almost 20 minutes.
Thanks for posting; I love hearing your thoughts.
I usually just lurk when I see you’ve got a new post via Facebook but I wanted to contribute my experience: that God is good in the ineffable way that He was good at the very moment when He commanded Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, when Abraham had the knife raised to kill his son. I definitely don’t understand that goodness except that I trust that it’s a part of of His full character; the complete picture. Abraham didn’t know that God would be sacrificing His own son, actually going through with it in order to provide grace for us all. Abraham had to trust without understanding anything, without any sermons of goodness or happiness. I wish I didn’t have to know what it feels like to trust in this way but I have to, believing in a way I can’t explain that there’s always a larger meaning at stake.
What I think isn’t emphasized or understood by many is that God is good for His own sake. Our happiness or circumstances are a small part of a larger picture that we often can’t see. That is a very hard thing for the parent who has had to survive losing a child and nobody is strong enough to deal with it. For me, and especially for my wife whose life was utterly debilitated, time provided perspective, and the perspective gave us a level of acceptance and the ability to trust in God’s larger picture.
I’m happy for you and your husband that you found your son, and I’m really glad you recognize it as God’s mercy.
Thanks for the post – it coincides with my reading this post on a different site which talks about why people leave the church.
Isn’t it interesting that we might doubt God is good even when a circumstance has not occurred. When it might have occurred, but it didn’t. God kept us from experiencing it… and yet we are upset with the what if. Wow! Thanks for sharing this, Amy!
David,
Thank you for your insight and perspective. I appreciate the time you took to share your thoughts, knowing your depth of experience in acknowledging God’s goodness far outweighs mine. I think of you and your wife often, and I have been praying for you from a distance. Your words bring encouragement to me.
Amy
Thanks for sharing this story and your doubts and fears and thoughts Amy. Losing a child, for a moment or a lifetime, either in reality or just in your imagination is such a horrifying experience. I don’t have anything to add to the comments everyone else has already added, just that I cling to the knowledge that God is Good beyond my understanding of the concept. That he suffers with me even when my hurt and pain are making me more into the person he’s created me to be. I stubbornly refuse to let go of the FACT that I KNOW he is good, even when it doesn’t feel like it and my life seems to be a picture of everything NOT good.
My verse that is inscribed on my heart, my wedding ring, my brain and every fiber of my being is this.
The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17